The Truth – Mental Health

This will probably be one of the hardest blog posts I have ever written, and I apologies in advance if it gets a bit long and a bit tough to read.

I haven’t written about this before because I feel like I will get judged, I feel like people will think and look at me differently, I feel like people will feel sorry for me, and I don’t want that, I want to feel normal, but how I feel probably is normal for someone in my situation. I think we need to agree that mental health is an issue.

I have been resisting writing about it for a while, both my girlfriend and my mum suggested I write stuff down and I instantly said no, thinking that writing things down wouldn’t actually help my situation.

They probably didn’t mean a blog but I think this is an issue that needs addressing for guys across the country.

Because I am probably in the same boat as 90% of guys, we reject emotion, we train ourselves to ignore feelings, we don’t cry, we don’t get sad, we don’t talk about it.

We should.

I have had a pretty shit year, you wouldn’t be able to tell that reading my blog, posts about New York City and throwbacks to past holidays and signing up for a half marathon I try to make everything look normal.

But I am far from it.

My dad was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor in December, 6-12 months was an optimistic outlook. I spent the beginning of the year visiting him in hospital, taking him for radiotherapy, it didn’t work, in February I was told his life expectancy was actually more like 6-8 weeks.

He moved from the midlands down to Hampshire in March and sadly passed away on the 23rd of March.

Just over a month later on the May Bank Holiday weekend my Grandpa passed away, he was 96 and had been battling dementia for quite some time.

I never expected to lose two people in my life so quickly, we had time to prepare for dad… it wasn’t long enough, but I don’t think you can ever prepare for something like that. I wasn’t prepared to also lose my Grandpa.

I have been on a downhill spiral since January and while all this has been happening I have been trying to balance work, life and university. My dissertation/final project was due at the beginning of August, I had coursework’s due the weeks surrounding my dad passing away and I tried to manage and do my best in all of them.

Recently I have burnt out, the final few weeks of finishing my final project were the most difficult, I had interview questions with industry professionals and my head simply couldn’t even process the responses I received, I wrote the questions but the analysis of the responses just went straight over me.

I had a report to write at work and that too went straight over my head and I couldn’t process anything, despite being a relatively straight forward report which had already been written and just simply needed updating, none of it, in my mind, made sense.

That inability to make sense of even relatively simple work led to me talking to someone, for the first time since all this started I sat down with someone and said “I’m struggling”.. that led to a doctors appointment which led to a counselling session over the phone.

I’m still struggling, I can literally feel myself being more agitated, angry and annoyed at stupid stuff compared with before, I got into a Whatsapp argument with a mate last week for no reason whatsoever, I am struggling to sleep, struggling to wake-up.

I know I’m not the only person in the world going through these things and I honestly think that talking about it to people recently has helped massively, but I still struggle, and I probably will at least for a few months.

I feel like I need a break, a holiday or just a week sat at home where I don’t have to think about anything, however, with exams approaching in September (I do a distance learning degree so our timetable is very weird) I wont be able to take a break until at least late September.

Getting to this point, I have no idea how to finish this post, I don’t think its finished, but I can’t think of anything else to write right now. I may ramble on again about this in a future post.

I think all I can add is please don’t treat me, or anyone else who may feel the same as me any differently, I didn’t write this post for sympathy, in fact that’s why I haven’t written this sooner, I wrote this simply to get it off my chest, rather than letting it all swirl around in my head…

Don’t worry about me, don’t think I am constantly sad, I’m not, I can still smile, I can still enjoy things, I am still a pretty happy person, I always have been and hopefully I always will be, I just need a little while to get back to normal.

It’s Official – Southampton Half Marathon

So today I decided to take the leap and officially sign up for the Southampton Half Marathon. I’m nervous but also excited and looking forward to beating my existing personal best time.

I have done one half marathon before, the Silverstone half way back in 2012 (I think) and my time was embarrassingly shit, my training maxed out at 8 miles most of which was walked and I really didn’t prepare myself properly for my first proper long distance run.

Fast forward to 2017 and I feel my fitness is gradually improving, since returning from NYC at the end of May I have lost about half a stone mainly thought an improved diet and a huge increase in activity.

I am currently playing basketball 2/3 times a week plus running 1/2 times per week depending on basketball and the weather. I will also start putting gym sessions into the plan to include some weight and strength training. The basketball season starts in September so currently off-season training is helping and preparing for a strong season in 2017/18.

I hope that 2 training sessions a week plus consistent running and gym sessions will result in a much better half marathon time in the Southampton Half. I have always been pretty embarrassed by my previous time and really would love to clock in a reasonable time.

I am also running this event for charity and will post another update about that in the very near future.

Have you done a half before? What was your time? Would you do it again? Let me know in the comments.

Why I Blog

Some of you may be pretty new to the SRChadwick blog so I thought I would wrap-up why I started blogging and what makes me want to keep you all updated on absolutely random rubbish that probably isn’t worth reading.

I blog because I enjoy writing, my English and Grammar may not be amazing but I enjoy writing in general, I write to some extend for Ball in Europe a basketball website which focuses on European Basketball and European Players. Writing about Basketball is where my passion for writing started.

I blog because I like to be busy, and apparently, university work, full time job, a social life, basketball coaching and playing, plus writing for Ball in Europe all while trying to do some exercise weekly and watch all those Netflix series that are just so addictive, is apparently not enough.. so I added blogging to the list.

I also blog to share my photos, I enjoy taking pictures, mostly of buildings and landscapes and having a blog gives me somewhere to share those with family and friends.

The purpose of this blog is sort of like a diary, in a way, keep people up to date on where I have been or plan on going, the NYC pictures and plans for example, the plans to go on more trips in future.. the bucket list, which I hope will inspire others into writing one, all of those are reasons why I blog, and then lastly somewhere when if I want to moan, spew random rubbish or get something off my chest.. I can.

So that sum’s up why I blog, I think.. do you blog or are you interested in starting your own? Let me know in the comments.

Keeping Busy

Posts on this site seem to be random and infrequent. I seem to decide to post and then roll off a random topic before not checking back for another few weeks, or months in some cases.

Recently I have had a number of things keeping me busy when really I should be focusing on more important things (University coursework!), but I do love to procrastinate. Continue reading “Keeping Busy”